A Hornet Stuck in a WASPs Nest

Recently, I have been conducting a study on wasps.  Well, not wasps--WASPs, which Wikipedia describes as 'people with histories of upper class Northeastern establishment, who were alleged to form a powerful elite.'  WASP is an acronym for White Anglo Saxon Protestant.  

However, I feel as if this reference is a bit outdated.  I have been fortunate enough to study this species in their natural habitat.  Here are some of my findings:    

Two of the most common characteristics appearing in my study are,

1. Miserable disposition.*

2. Drink in hand.

*One must be very observant in speech, behavior, number of drinks consumed.  I consistently found that some are able to mask this and appear to be lovely, then proceed to drink half of a handle wherein miserableness and/or self loathing set in.

Another attribute is a name ending in a long 'e' sound.  If original name does not end in this sound, one is most commonly given a nickname that falls into this category, ie: Buffy, Bunny, Daphne*

1. One exception is having a name with two-three syllables that could also be confused for a town; Princeton, Barrington

*Not all long 'e' names apply to this.  For example, no self respecting WASP would ever name their child Shirley.

There are also consistencies in appearance.  For men, you can usually find:

1. Side part.

2. Well groomed moustache.

(rare cases where these are combined, but usually see one or the other)

3. Suit/tie/collared shirt--at least one of these pieces, sometimes all depending on the occasion, location.

For women:

1. Pearls (ears or neck)

2. Fur (only applicable for winter)

3. The older a woman gets, the bolder the pattern on her blouse.

Family patterns usually include:

1. One brooding child.

2. One overachiever.

3. If more than two kids, there have been known cases of the 3rd being the 'outcast' of the family, not fitting into the WASP mold.  

4. Mother who is  overbearing, caddy and/or judgmental. 

5. Father who nods and agrees, then takes another sip.

I stumbled upon a curious observance in my studies.  While in what I thought to be a regular gathering place of my subjects, there was something a bit off that I just couldn't put my finger on.  I later learned that this particular group all hailed from New Jersey, Long Island.  And then it hit me--dirt daubers.  Their appearance is similar to wasps, but on closer observation do not share all of the traits.

This is as far as I have got in my research thus far.  I hope to continue to have the opportunity to study these fascinating creatures...

because then I get free booze.

 

Oh fuck you, Billy Joel.

You don't.

You don't love her just the way she is.

You love her, so you tolerate just the way she is, but to say you love her JUST the way she is...well, that's a bit much.  

I mean, really?  Like none of us EVER want our significant others to make a little change here and there.  Let's be serious, BJ.

You'll pretend that you have never heard the stories or jokes that she ALWAYS tells, and you will laugh every time as if they are brand new.  You won't let her hear the slow intake of breath and you will keep your eyes straight and not rolled back into your head, and you will let her deliver the punch line even though you could yourself, right down to the timing and inflection of her voice.

You won't be disappointed when you realize that she is not as original as you once thought, that what you perceived as her 'unique style' is actually what all twenty something Lower East Side/East Village New Yorkers wear.*

*this 'unique-less' quality also applies to jokes you thought were hers but actually turn out to be quotes from TV, performed as if her own.

You'll get to the 'comfortable' part of your relationship and you will not say anything about how she used to sleep in slinky nightgowns, or better yet nothing at all, and now wears your old t-shirts and sweats to bed.

When you fight, you will call her every name under the sun to your buddies and you might even break up, proclaiming acts of independence and journeys into the self and how you are such a better person now, you have grown so much and have benefited from this turning point in your life.

And then she'll call.

And you will take that bitch back.

You love her, which lets you tolerate all of these annoying traits that you pretend to find endearing.  

Not just the way she is.

 

11:11

Of course I wished for you. 

But now months after you vanished from my life, I had the moment.

It's like when you are a kid and your mom puts a band-aid on the tiniest of scratches.  She puts it on to make you believe it will help, it will make you feel better.  And any time it starts to hurt, you think of the band-aid that is there to cover up the pain.

This continues for sometime, until one day you notice the band-aid is gone.  You don't know when you lost it, but you realize you have been getting along fine without it for quite some time.

And this is surprising.

And then you wonder if you ever needed it at all.

And now that you don't, you wonder why you wanted it so bad in the first place.

The dude friend

I just got back hanging out/smoking with the dude friend.  He is a super fun guy and I always have a good time with him but tonight I felt like he was coming on to me.  Maybe not.  Maybe I'm just paranoid from the crazy weed....

But I DO know that he sat down closer and closer to me, touched my hand or leg a few more times than was necessary and I started to get that nauseous, uncomfortable feeling I get around dudes who might be into me that I am not attracted to at all.  

I don't know, but I had to get out of there.  Now I feel bad because I basically invited myself over, he shared food, beverage, etc only to have me show up with nothing and leave two hours later.  

But he was creeping up too close for comfort.

I hope it's the weed.

This is good weed.

New Blog, Day 1....

While I was on the train the other day, it stopped.  Now this is not an uncommon occurrence, but on this particular day I was in a car with a group of obnoxious teenagers, and as we were waiting and the conductor made the 'this train will be delayed' announcement, I overheard one of the said annoyances say 

"FOREVER!"

And then I got to thinking....

What if the train DID stop here forever, and this my personal subway purgatory and I am left to spend the rest of eternity listening to overstimulated 15 year olds talk about inappropriate subjects in voices at a volume that you would think they were in a wind tunnel?!

So naturally, I fell into deep thought...

What if that was the last time I ever talked to him, I didn't get to say what I wanted to, he'll never know how I really feel!

What if that guy who bought me a drink last night was the one who was supposed to father my children?!  And I gave him the wrong number because I didn't like his T shirt?...I mean, what's so bad about a pseudo-vintage "Virginia is for Lovers" shirt from Old Navy, anyway?  It could be endearing...right?

What if this is it, and the only time I have been out of the country was to Toronto, and even then I stayed in the hotel room the whole time because it was 'too cold'?!  What if for the rest of time, my passport only has a lonely Canada stamp on it.  CANADA!!!

What if my last meal was an Auntie Anne's pretzel with a diet coke??  

And then the train started moving again.

I decided, then and there...from now on, I'll gonna live.

I'm gonna order a regular coke.